The Background Parent: When You're Not the Favorite
Jun 02, 2025By Devika Mehra
Becoming a parent is often described as a time of deep connection—nurturing a bond with your child, growing closer with your partner, and joining a wider “village” of other parents. But many new moms and dads find themselves caught off guard by a quiet, creeping feeling that no one warns them about: loneliness.
The Silent Shift
Once you become a parent, your world shrinks and expands at the same time. Your time becomes tethered to feeding schedules, school pickups, and nap times. The spontaneous coffees with friends fade, and even simple check-ins become rare. While you're constantly surrounded by someone—a baby crying, a toddler tugging at your sleeve—it’s the kind of company that doesn't offer adult conversation, empathy, or shared understanding.
You might even feel guilty for feeling lonely. After all, shouldn’t having a family mean you’re never truly alone? But isolation in parenthood is rarely physical—it’s emotional.
Why It Happens
- Changing identity: Parenthood reshapes who you are, but that transition can feel isolating if your support system hasn’t undergone a similar shift.
- Unseen mental load: The emotional responsibility of always thinking ahead—meals, doctor visits, school fees—can feel heavy and unshared.
- Reduced social contact: Relationships that once felt easy now require effort. Some friends may drift away. Others may not fully understand your new reality.
Rebuilding Connection
Loneliness doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong—it just means you're human. Start by:
- Opening up to your partner without the filter of responsibility. Share your actual feelings.
- Scheduling non-parenting time with friends—even if it’s just a voice note or 10-minute walk.
- Joining communities, online or local, that connect you with people in a similar phase.
Remember, you’re not alone in your loneliness. Many parents feel this way—but by naming it, you open the door to healing.
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