Stop These Toxic Parenting Trends Before They Damage Your Child's Mental Health

We are not here to make you feel like a bad parent. We're all doing our best. But sometimes, the things we think are helping our kids are actually hurting them. And the worst part is that we don't even realize it. 

We are talking about those everyday moments. When you tell your daughter, "Sharmaji ki beti got 95%, what happened to you?" When you check your son's phone because "it's for his own good." When you say, "We sacrificed everything for you" during an argument. 

Let's talk about it. 

You know this one. We all do. Your child comes home with 85% and instead of celebrating, you immediately think of that neighbor's kid who scored 92%. 

"Riya got into IIT. Why can't you study like her?"  

"Your cousin already has a job. What are you doing?"  

"Look at Priya's daughter, so well-behaved. And you..." 

You believe comparison will motivate your child to do better. You think it'll push them to work harder, aim higher. After all, your parents did the same thing to you, and you turned out fine, no? 

Why it actually doesn't: When children are constantly compared to others, they start believing they're never good enough. Studies show that this leads to anxiety, depression, and something called maladaptive perfectionism, where kids become so afraid of failure that they either don't try at all or burn themselves out trying to be perfect. 

Think about it. Your child isn't hearing "I want you to improve." They're hearing "You're not as good as them. You're a disappointment." 

That voice? It stays with them forever. 

What to do instead: Celebrate their progress, not someone else's achievements. If they got 85%, talk about the improvement from last time. Ask them which subjects they enjoyed studying. Make them feel seen for who they are, not who they're not.

"If you don't listen to me, I'll die of worry."  

"After all we've done for you, this is how you repay us?"  

"Fine, do whatever you want. Don't come crying to me when things go wrong." 

These lines? We've all heard them. Maybe we've even said them. 

Your 16-year-old wants to pursue arts instead of science. You've dreamed of them becoming an engineer. So you say, "If you take arts, don't expect any support from us. We didn't work this hard for you to throw it all away." 

Or your daughter wants to go out with friends. You respond with, "Go ahead. If something happens to you, I'll die of worry. But you don't care about your mother's health, do you?" 

Why parents think it works: In that moment, emotional blackmail gets immediate results. Your child backs down. They agree. You feel like you've protected them or guided them in the right direction. 

Why it actually doesn't: Research shows that emotional abuse, including manipulation and guilt-tripping, causes more lasting damage than we realize. It leads to higher levels of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem that continue into adulthood. 

More importantly, your child isn't learning to make good decisions. They're learning to make decisions based on fear and guilt. They're learning that love is conditional. That they're only worthy when they obey. 

And they start hiding things from you. Not because they're bad kids, but because they can't bear disappointing you again. 

What to do instead: Share your concerns honestly without threats. "I'm worried about the job market in arts. Can we research this together?" "I get anxious when you're out late. Can we agree on a time you'll message me?" Respect their feelings even when you disagree. That's how you build trust. 

You're probably thinking, "But I need to know what's happening in my child's life! What if they're in trouble? What if they're talking to the wrong people?" 

We get it. The world feels scary. Social media, online predators, and bad influences are all real concerns. 

Your 14-year-old is on their phone a lot. One day, when they're in the shower, you unlock their phone and read their chats. You find messages complaining about you. Or maybe you find nothing wrong, but you feel relieved that you checked. 

Why parents think it works: Knowledge is power, right? If you know what's happening, you can protect them. You can step in before things go wrong. Plus, "it's our house, our rules. Children have no right to privacy." 

Why it actually doesn't: When you invade your child's privacy, you're telling them, "I don't trust you." And when children feel they can't trust their parents to respect boundaries, they learn to lie better. They get secret phones, delete messages, and create fake accounts. 

Psychology experts are clear about this: children who grow up without privacy often become adults with trust issues. They either become overly controlling themselves, or they struggle to set healthy boundaries in relationships. 

What to do instead: Build open communication. Tell them, "I'm here if you need to talk about anything. No judgment." And mean it. When they do share something, don't immediately lecture or punish. Listen first. Make yourself a safe person to talk to, not someone they need to hide from. 

For younger kids, have age-appropriate monitoring. For teenagers, have conversations about online safety instead of secretly spying. 

"What will people say?" "What will relatives think?" "Don't embarrass the family." 

This is such an Indian thing. Your daughter wants to wear shorts. What will the neighbors say? Your son wants to be a musician. What will you tell people at weddings? Your child is struggling in school. You can't let anyone know. 

Why parents think it works: Reputation matters in Indian society. Protecting the family's image protects your children too. If people talk badly about your family, it affects everyone. 

Why it actually doesn't: When children grow up in families where society's opinion matters more than their well-being, they develop shame. They learn that being authentic is dangerous. They learn to hide, to pretend, to live for others' approval. 

Studies show that this "shame culture" contributes significantly to mental health issues in young adults. The constant fear of judgment creates people who can't express themselves, can't pursue their dreams, and spend their lives trying to meet others' expectations. 

What to do instead: Your child's mental health and happiness should come before anyone's opinion. Period. People will talk anyway, about everything. Let them. Your job is to be your child's safe place, not their judge based on society's standards. 

What they'll study. Where they'll go to college. Who they'll marry. What job they'll take. Where they'll live. 

In many Indian families, children have very little say in their own lives, even as adults. 

Your 22-year-old wants to take a gap year to figure out what they want to do. You panic. "No way. You'll join the company we found for you. We know what's best. You're too young to make such decisions." 

Why parents think it works: You have experience. You've seen life. You want to protect them from mistakes.  

Why it actually doesn't: Children who are never allowed to make decisions become adults who can't make decisions. They constantly seek others' approval. They don't trust their own judgment. They feel powerless in their own lives. 

Research on authoritarian parenting styles, which is common in Indian families, shows it's linked to higher rates of depression and anxiety in children. Why? Because autonomy is a basic human need. When you take it away, you damage their sense of self. 

What to do instead: Guide, don't dictate. Present options, discuss consequences, share your concerns, but let them make age-appropriate choices. A 7-year-old can choose what to wear. A teenager can choose their extracurriculars. A young adult can choose their career path. They'll make mistakes. That's how they learn.

Many of these patterns? We learned them from our parents. They learned them from theirs. It's generational. Nobody wakes up thinking, "I'm going to damage my child today."  

But awareness changes everything.  

Some things to remember: 

Your child doesn't owe you anything for being born. You chose to have them. Taking care of them isn't a favor they need to repay. 

Your child is not your property or your second chance at life. They're their own person with their own dreams, personality, and path. 

Your worth as a parent isn't measured by your child's achievements. It's measured by whether they feel safe, loved, and supported. 

Parenting is hard. Especially in India, where we're juggling traditional expectations with modern challenges. But our kids deserve better than what many of us got. They deserve to grow up feeling worthy just as they are, not just when they meet our expectations. So, this year, let's try to abandon these patterns.